


Behind Blue Eyes

by indirafallen



Series: Cuts You Up [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Billy Hargrove Needs Love, Character Study, Gen, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-29 10:16:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19017883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indirafallen/pseuds/indirafallen
Summary: Billy considers his future after graduation and how his relationship with his father has affected him.





	Behind Blue Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Some drabbles/character studies that may become something more in the future. Not really even pre-slash in this one, but just assume anything I write is going to end up as Billy/Steve, even if it's offscreen. The second part is going to focus on Billy's thoughts about Steve.

There were moments of lucidity where Billy realized he was following in Neil's footsteps.  Yelling at Max about respect, when the real word he meant was obedience. Beating the shit out of Steve while wishing it was a different face, a different man… the one who made him so small and vulnerable.  Even just yelling at the kids at the pool for breaking the rules… because there were always rules. Some solid and dependable (the ones he broke on purpose) and others ever changing and mercurial, depending on Neil's whims (the ones that broke his face and left his eyes tearing up more from the shock than the pain).  In those moments he would recognize that behaving like Neil made him feel in control, made him feel less vulnerable and scared for a fleeting moment. A distant part of his brain wondered if that's how Neil felt right before he smashed Billy's face in or threw him against the table, but he couldn't ever picture his father as having enough of a heart to feel vulnerability. 

People like Billy often found themselves joining the army.  It was an easy transition from unpredictable rules to stable ones.  And an easy climb from being controlled to someone who got to do the controlling… but all within a system so rigid that he would never really have to think for himself or control himself… because truth be told, he didn't really know how to.  He'd spent too long relying on Neil's fists to remind him when he'd stepped out of line. But was that really even the best litmus test? People like Billy didn't know what to do with themselves when they finally found freedom. They might end up in jail for one fight after another, or at the bottom of a bottle, or exactly like Neil… but a less perfect copy that was smeared around the edges, emotions leaking out where their fathers had tight control and robotic coldness.  Because deep down Billy wasn't like his father… Billy was sensitive. And there was only so much of that that Neil could beat out of him. 

Unfortunately, that sensitivity was what made controlling his anger so difficult, what made his need to control others so desperate. Basically it was what made him an asshole… rather than the actual evil monster that was his father. At least for the moment… because he was always terrified of finding out first hand just how his father came to be that way.  The Military might be the easy way of avoiding that… or perhaps it'd be the catalyst. Either way, it was the last place Billy wanted to go, no matter how tempting it was to take the easy path towards stability. 

What Billy really wanted, something he'd only admit to himself in the middle of the night while clutching his worn leather journal, was to go to college. He wanted to escape this life he lived under the intense scrutiny of his father, always feeling like a butterfly with its wings pinned under a microscope.   Unable to fly. Unable to be anything more than the parameters his father set out for him or the asshole rebel his small town peers found so exotic and mesmerizing. That wasn't quite him either. It was just the diametric opposition to what Neil wanted (and how he relished getting under the old man's skin even if it earned him a few extra bruises), and, perhaps moreso, it was his armor. His way of protecting himself and hiding his vulnerability from Neil, his peers, the world. But Billy just wanted to run as far as he could from all of this, from everyone's expectations, and just  _ be. _

He had the grades for college… and the intellect (he was more than just good at rote memorization).  But that would require scholarships and support, keeping him tied to Neil for longer than he thinks he could survive.  It didn't help that his daydreams of a better life were so often and easily chased away, as ephemeral as morning fog, by a voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Neil Hargrove's.  A voice that reminded him he was worthless and stupid and should be grateful for what little scraps life gave him. College was just a pipe dream, but one he so desperately clung to.


End file.
